So you're gonna watch Superbowl LI
Let’s be honest, the last six months of America have been awkward. Half of your friends spent the better part of it yelling “lock her up” while the other half did their best to figure out when Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out and tell them they had been punk’d. As a good American, I took post election comfort knowing that in no time at all we would become One nation, under football, with liberty and justice for all. Then, the unthinkable happened. Falcons and Patriots? FALCONS? PATRIOTS? It’s as if the NFL wants America to eat itself from the inside out
Maybe I’m more sensitive than the average fan. After all, I was born in Buffalo and raised in Louisiana. I’m a Bills/Saints fan. I am required by law to hate the Patriots AND the Dirty Birds. But .The thing is. I need this. I need this coming together and hi fiving of strangers. As an American, I need the sweet taste of victory. The chance to feel like my chili made a fucking difference. After careful consideration and weighing the pros and cons of my predicament, I decided the best I could do for my country was come up with some simple steps to help myself and my fellow Americans maximize ego inflation.
LOCATION - Let’s be honest, the Superbowl is a big deal. The winning city gets not only bragging rights, and some economic boosts and a PARADE! If you live near Atlanta or Boston, it’s a no brainer. Even if you are a transplant, your co-workers will be in a better mood and you might get a day off (for that parade). The best Superbowl parties take place in the cities that have teams playing, so take advantage of the free buffets. The more often you have Jalapeno poppers in your mouth, the less time you’ll have to let a “F*ck Brady” /”Fuck those dirty Birds” slip out.
RELATIONSHIPS - Is someone you love a diehard fan of either team? Take this opportunity to support those closest to you. At the end of the day, your team isn’t playing and this is a great chance to show your loved ones just how much they mean to you. Forget a Falcons fans birthday? I promise rooting for their team will make up for it. On the flipside, if you have an enemy, chances are they root for one of these teams. PERFECT! This situation is perfect for wishing Ill upon those who have done you harm without actually busting knee caps. Inflict all the pain, minus the guilt.
The truth is, there is no good answer to this problem. The best reasonable fans of the NFL can do is now that a day long fan contributes as much to the game as a decade long fan does. Now go out there and fake your way to some free food, and a one night stand you will never tell your friends about.